Letters to Businesses.com

Dear Pfizer,
It has come to my attention that your new CEO, Jeffrey Kindler, is the old CEO of McDonalds.

Wow! Going from Big Macs to selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors is quite a leap! Thinking about the jump Mr. Kindler has made, from selling billions of burgers to selling billions of drugs, I’ve decided that Mr. Kindler is uniquely experienced to get some great new sales strategies rolling.

I came up with a few quick suggestions. Here they are:

1.) Please offer a deep fried version of Xanax. It’s my favorite Pfizer drug and although Xanax is a great way to calm down, the taste isn’t so great. If you would be so kind as sell the McXanax, with the same golden brown crispy coating as a chicken nugget, that would sure make my day. Just make sure you use 100% all white meat… err… powder.

2.) I think you should release Happy Meals at my local Rite Aid, only these Happy Meals should come with a large Zoloft, a sampler pack of other assorted antidepressants, and a cool refreshing coke. Sometimes I feel a little down, and I’d love to be able to stop by CVS and grab a Happy Meal that really makes me happy. You know, the kind of happy you can only buy from Pfizer. They don’t need to come with a little plastic toy, but a McXanax wouldn’t be a bad substitute in case I get a little too happy and can’t fall asleep again.

3.) I think Viagra should come standard in all Big Macs. It would totally redefine the Big Mac name, and refute all claims that the flagship sandwich causes impotence. If I could eat a couple Big Macs before my wife gets home from working the gentleman’s club, and then go at it all night long, it sure would be an improvement from my current situation in which I eat a couple Big Macs and pass out from synchronic liver failure, kidney damage, and cholesterol toxicity.

4.) I think Ronald McDonald should be the new face of Pfizer For Kids. This would surely improve sales of your best drugs to customers between the ages of four and eight. My concern is that children are generally pretty happy, and might not realize that taking antidepressants such as Zoloft each day will make them even happier. This is hurting your sales and something must be done immediately. By positioning Ronald to push Viagra to 6 year old boys, you will have customers for life when erections become an impossibility without it.

5.) Finally I think Acupril should come loaded into all of McDonald’s premium sandwiches to help fight congestive heart failure before it starts. Being a McDonalds fan for years, I can tell you from experience that congestive heart failure is a real kick in the nuts, and something I’d rather not experience again. So how bout some Acupril in my Big Mac, please!

I think you will find that my suggestions will not only help Pfizer’s bottom line, but the strategic partnership between Pfizer and McDonalds outlined above will usher in a new era of delicious ways to self medicate.

sincerely,
Concerned

Filed under: Pharmaceuticals