Dear Old El Paso (and other distributors of Salsa worldwide),
I’ll keep this short and sweet. Please make your salsa jars half as tall, and twice as wide. I can’t fit my fucking chip into the jar assholes.
Sincerely,
Albert Fucking Einstein
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Dear Halliburton,
You are one smooth operator, I gotta hand it to you. When your CEO gets tapped to be the Vice President of the United States, you know your company is in for some good times! It was with dollar signs in his eyes that Mr. Cheney stepped down from CEO of Halliburton (with plenty [...]
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Dear Warner Music,
Times have never been tougher for the music industry. People are swapping entire collections of digital music over the internet, iTunes came out of no where and just decided a song was worth a flat rate of a dollar, and no one wants to buy CDs anymore. The very industry is threatened. It [...]
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Dear Winston Cigarettes,
You guys are clever. Gotta hand it to you. If it was 1980 and my job was to hook every kid in the nation on cigarettes, well, I’d probably quit. But not you. Charged with the task of turning our nation’s youth into addicts, you faced a tough decision that couldn’t have been [...]
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Dear Package Store,
Explain to me again why you don’t sell condoms? You do realize that almost every male purchasing liquor at your store is hoping to get lucky, right? And you do realize the markup on condoms is about 100% right?
So explain to me again why you don’t sell condoms.
Sincerely,
Really confused
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